How to Support an Employee in Distress

Recent research has a counterintuitive finding: People who have suffered troubles at work may not be effective in helping other employees experiencing similar distress. Those who have not endured the same thing are more likely to be more effective. In trying to help employees in distress, leaders should  focus on each person’s experience, not their own; validate their pain; and get the facts and ask questions to learn how they might help the employee. Leaders should also consider having someone who has not suffered the same problem mentor the person.

Think back to the last time you were struggling at work. If you chose to share your distress with a colleague, to whom did you turn? Many of us intuitively look to our colleagues who have experienced our same struggles, but our recently published research suggests you should rethink this approach. In a series of three studies, more than 600 employees from multiple industries across the United States told us about their experiences in sharing their work-related angst with others and how they responded to others who were experiencing such difficulties. Our finding: It is not always wise to seek support from colleagues who have been in the same situation.

Take Amanda, a sales employee in a mid-sized news media company. When she first started her job, she loved every minute of it. But after a rough six months, she realized that her current work environment was unbearable. “Being forced to go to work at a place where I am unwanted, excluded, gossiped about, conspired against, and even downright bullied is absolute torture,” she told us. When Amanda could not take it anymore, she turned to a colleague in a different department who also dealt with ostracism at work in the past. Amanda said, “I thought this colleague would get me and understand the intensity of this situation, as they know firsthand how tough it is to do your job and feel alienated. Much to my surprise, and despite their best intentions, I came out of it feeling worse about myself and the situation.”

Studies show that more than 80% of people believe that those who have overcome difficulties are more likely to offer compassion to others enduring something similar. But we learned that the latter are more self-focused and are less likely to validate a sufferer who was having an analogous experience. In contrast, those who have not endured the same thing are: (1) focused on the sufferer rather than retelling their own past experience, (2) more validating of the sufferers’ unique experiences, and (3) more likely to respond in a way that is actually helpful to the sufferer.

Given that work-related distress is inevitable, it is crucial for leaders at all levels to recognize their role in cultivating caring and compassionate organizations that can better support employees. A genuine organizational commitment towards care and compassion has important benefits, including lower absenteeism and turnover, increased work satisfaction, better collaboration in work teams, improved organizational adaptability and creativity, and greater customer satisfaction.

Instead of paying lip service to this problem — or “carewashing” — by just offering mindfulness training or yoga classes, our research suggest they should adopt four strategies.

1. Focus on the person in distress.

Our research shows that when responding to troubled employees, we often assume that what worked for us to overcome our past distress will certainly work for others who are experiencing similar challenges. With that in mind, the next time you are tempted to say, “Let me tell you about when that happened to me,” encourage the other person to share more about their specific experience. For instance, you might ask them: “Would you be willing to share a bit more about what that was like for you?” or say, “I can see how much this is affecting you. I want to hear more about it.”

2. Validate their pain.

People tend to underestimate the severity of their own past challenges and the difficulty involved in overcoming them. Thus, when responding to others in distress, they demonstrate an empathy gap and don’t recognize the severity of their experiences. As we found in our research, when people minimize or trivialize others’ experiences, they can unintentionally exacerbate their pain.

Instead, leaders can explicitly validate others’ pain and take care not to judge them. Validation entails acknowledging that the employee’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are understandable given the current and past circumstances. You might say, “I can see how upset you are. It’s understandable given what happened,” or “Given what you’ve been through, it makes complete sense that you’re feeling this way.” These kinds of statements will help the employee feel understood and supported.

3. Ask questions.

We found that there often is a mismatch between how effective people think they are in helping those who are suffering emotional pain and how effective they actually are. So, resist the temptation to jump to a conclusion about what is the cause. Take time to listen to their full story. Before going into problem-solving mode, gather the facts from the employee.

Once you have a firm grasp of the situation, ask questions about what would help the employee. You could say, “I want us to work through this together. How can we make this situation better for you?” or “How can we best support you in navigating this hard time?” Such open-ended questions will reduce opportunities for misunderstandings and facilitate open dialogue. They will focus your attention on the employee’s specific pain points so that your response can better match that person’s unique needs.

4. Consider who can best help them.

Our research demonstrates that those who have endured a different type of distress are actually better positioned to offer compassion. Toward this end, leaders might pair the person in question with a mentor who has not endured something similar before.

One way to do this is through an HR mentoring program. For example, if the employee is struggling with being bullied at work, pairing that person with a mentor who has grieved the loss of a parent can paradoxically be helpful and reduce the likelihood of an empathy gap. Another way is through employee resource groups (ERGs). Leaders can restructure their ERGs so that in addition to fostering collaboration and support within each group (e.g., a veteran ERG and a parent/caregiver ERG), they also build employees’ connections across domains.

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Many employees spend most of their waking hours at their jobs and often look to their work not just for a paycheck but also for a sense of belonging and connection. For these reasons, the workplace is a natural place for employees to receive support when they are experiencing difficulties, especially those related to work. With that in mind, reassess how your organization cares for distressed employees. With slight shifts in how they provide support to others, leaders can create more compassionate organizations.